Learning curves....

There are things in life  you should stay away from. You learn this through trial and error. You're a kid, you stick your fingers in a burning candle flame, that hurts, now you know. You're a teenager, you drink a bottle of tequila, you're severely hung over, you swear to never drink again (okay maybe not such a good example). You're a student. You don't feel like going to lectures, you miss them, you fail exams. So next time, you remember to at least copy the notes. All small mistakes which we make. And through trial and error we come up with solutions to not make them again and are going up on the learning curve.

But why, tell me why, do I keep doing it? Making mistakes? Or put differently, not learning from previous made mistakes. I mean making mistakes is okay. But making the same mistakes, over and over and not being on an upward learning curve, not so okay.

Then why do I keep doing it? I mean, I am learning. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I could be better. It frustrates me and I don't like myself for it. I don't want to be that girl. The girl that keeps putting herself in situations of which she they knows will ultimately hurt her. I guess my finger hasn't gone into the flame far and long enough.

Funnily enough I am very adventurous person and I love the ride of going somewhere of where I'm not sure. Because knowing for sure is boring. For me. Some people like to know what they're up against. I'm not like that. It's not adventurous enough. That's why I  try to never visit the same country twice. Been there done that story. But with the mistakes-issue, I don't apply "the been there done that"- rule. Strangely enough I  keep going back to the same place. The make-the-same-mistake-again place - revisited...so to speak.

I'm doing it right now. I am there. In that place. Looks familiar. I mean different faces, different names, different settings, different circumstances, but in essence, the same place.
A fucked up place. A confusing place, a I-know-I-should-not-be-here place... But I am. And was welcomed with open arms.
And at the moment I cannot find the power within me to leave the place. I try. I send an e-mail that I'm leaving the place. Then I get scared and I return right back to it. A few days later I change my mind again and I use the 'silent treatment' method. Not working, because that method shows to be of no success either. I send a text saying I'm leaving the place, yet again and then I get angry for actually being left alone in that place, because Elvis at that time has left the building.
I cannot get out of that place! Whaddup with that?


I know, not very much in sync with my previous entry on 'letting go' either. You see, my mind is a labyrinth. I go in circles. A lot.
So either give me strength to seriously buy a one way ticket out of here or give me the strength to stay in the mistake-place but feel okay about it. And maybe learn from this one just a bit more, shooting up on the learning curve. Because, apparently, I am not done learning yet. Otherwise I would not be here. I don't mind being here per se, but I'd like to just be a little bit stronger about it. And typing this, I realize that by realizing it, I have stepped up on the learning curve. I've admitted to the mistake, seeing where it went wrong and I can, if I chose to do something about it.
Isn't learning fun?