Forgiveness

I’m doing this 21-day meditation challenge with Deepak Chopra online. The 21 days are all about love, loving kindness, forgiveness, self-love, etc.

Yesterday’s meditation was about forgiveness. Forgiveness is such an amazing, beautiful thing. It’s freeing, it’s light, it’s bright, and it’s love. Self-love and love for others.

But forgiving is extremely hard to do at first (after a while you get better at it). It’s putting your ego aside and being the bigger person. If there ever is such a thing as a bigger person. If you hold grudges, anger and resentment, would this ever serve you in a positive way?

How did grudges, anger and resentment ever bring you something positive? Think about it. Never. Can’t have. They’re too negative to bring anything good. So why hold on to these? They will actually poison your mental health, your physical health and your emotional health. You carry all that with you, and what could be more beautiful than to letting the poison go?

I’ve been in this situation recently. It hurt so bad and all I could think about was revenge, anger, and horrible ways to get back at the person. And I had enough up my sleeve (it actually scared me to realize what horrible thoughts I could have). I thought deeply about this. Taking revenge will probably result in the other person taken revenge on that. And then what? You’re in a vicious circle you can’t break. Until one is the bigger person. Also, holding these grudges, this anger, the other person doesn’t feel this, doesn’t know this. What good will it do? It’s only something that is in your mind. The other person is probably oblivious to your feelings and thoughts and won’t be bothered. The only one bothered is you. And let's not even speak of the tons of energy that is wasted on something so useless and harming to our health. 

So I started forgiving. Forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for the fact that I had put myself in that situation. I did nothing wrong, I just did. I followed my heart. Because you also have to remember: everything anybody ever does (to you, to themselves, to others), they only do because they were unable to act any other way in that situation. This is very, very important to remember. Take yourself for example. Think about a situation of which you later said “I could have acted differently”. But you didn’t because you act the way you act in a situation, because that’s only how you know to act, how you can act or how you chose to act. So, another human being will do the same. Now, taking that into consideration, forgiving becomes easier. I’m not saying ‘easy’, but ‘easier’. As from my previous entry you’ll remember that we’re all connected, we share one thing. Humanity. We are all humans, so everybody has the same emotions. All humans ever want is to be happy, healthy and loved.

So in my recent meditations I’ve started forgiving. And it’s amazing. Coming out of my meditation I had smile on my face. I looked at the sky and was thankful for all the Universe provides. And I was even more thankful to be able to love, instead of hate. It filled my heart with joy. I now look at this person with a fond memory and a period in my life that was life changing and I thank them for that.

Forgive. Start with yourself and widen the circle.

Connection

We are all connected. It’s a beautiful Buddhist believe and once you start seeing it, life becomes even more interesting. And you are able to be more compassionate towards others. And you are able to become more aware of everything that goes on in and around you.

We are all connected…. It might not seem that way, but think about this. And this is something the Dalai Lama said in his book “The Art of Happiness” (a must read by the way). Think of the shirt you’re wearing. That shirt only exists because tens of thousands of people were involved in making sure you are able to wear that shirt. And I know it may sound far-fetched, but think about it. The store you bought it in. The employees of that store, the factory it was made in, the shipping companies, the cotton growers, the manufacturers of the machines that made the shirt, the manufactures of the airplane that shipped the shirt, the designer of the shirt, the seamstress who made the shirt, etc. Think of EVERY single shackle in the supply chain of that shirt. We are connected. 

There’s another way in which we’re all connected as well. We all share the same thing… life. And the suffering life brings. No one is exempted from the suffering of life, Samsara. We all share the same emotions, anger, jealousy, pride, desire and ignorance. No one is better or worse that the other person because we are all  human beings. We are all the same. Think about this when you feel jealous of something a friend has, think of this when you think you’re better than someone else, and think of this before you judge.

A colleague of mine told me a story last week. Her husband walked down the street and an older couple was trying to cross and taking a long time. Older, not so fast and a bit terrified of the fast traffic. This guy comes on his bicycle and starts shouting at the old man. “You slow f***, can’t you move faster, what the hell are you doing slowing down traffic, etc.”. My colleague’s husband walks up to him and tells him to be respectful of the older people. “It’s someone’s grandfather, you should be respectful”. The young guy now starts shouting at my colleague’s husband. “What you want nigger, you’re nothing outside the hood, big mouthed black f***“.

When I heard this story it broke my heart.  The young man forgets that A) He, one day will become that older man. B) That young man probably goes to Spain every year to get a very dark, mocha colored tan….And who’s a black f*** then hey?

He forgets that by shouting at the old man, by calling my colleague’s husband bad names, he sets off this whole chain of negativity. The old man feels depressed and sad and might sleep really bad. My colleague’s husband now gets angry and might take it out on the next person who sets him off… We’re all connected. Everything we do in life, every person we encounter, and every discussion, fight or argument we have will not be without consequence.  It’s not only your Karma you’re playing with, but also with everybody else’s….

We’re all connected. It’s a beautiful thing. Let’s keep it that way. Show compassion, practice loving kindness, patience and peace.

Because no one is exempted from Samsara…… 

Learning curves....

There are things in life  you should stay away from. You learn this through trial and error. You're a kid, you stick your fingers in a burning candle flame, that hurts, now you know. You're a teenager, you drink a bottle of tequila, you're severely hung over, you swear to never drink again (okay maybe not such a good example). You're a student. You don't feel like going to lectures, you miss them, you fail exams. So next time, you remember to at least copy the notes. All small mistakes which we make. And through trial and error we come up with solutions to not make them again and are going up on the learning curve.

But why, tell me why, do I keep doing it? Making mistakes? Or put differently, not learning from previous made mistakes. I mean making mistakes is okay. But making the same mistakes, over and over and not being on an upward learning curve, not so okay.

Then why do I keep doing it? I mean, I am learning. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I could be better. It frustrates me and I don't like myself for it. I don't want to be that girl. The girl that keeps putting herself in situations of which she they knows will ultimately hurt her. I guess my finger hasn't gone into the flame far and long enough.

Funnily enough I am very adventurous person and I love the ride of going somewhere of where I'm not sure. Because knowing for sure is boring. For me. Some people like to know what they're up against. I'm not like that. It's not adventurous enough. That's why I  try to never visit the same country twice. Been there done that story. But with the mistakes-issue, I don't apply "the been there done that"- rule. Strangely enough I  keep going back to the same place. The make-the-same-mistake-again place - revisited...so to speak.

I'm doing it right now. I am there. In that place. Looks familiar. I mean different faces, different names, different settings, different circumstances, but in essence, the same place.
A fucked up place. A confusing place, a I-know-I-should-not-be-here place... But I am. And was welcomed with open arms.
And at the moment I cannot find the power within me to leave the place. I try. I send an e-mail that I'm leaving the place. Then I get scared and I return right back to it. A few days later I change my mind again and I use the 'silent treatment' method. Not working, because that method shows to be of no success either. I send a text saying I'm leaving the place, yet again and then I get angry for actually being left alone in that place, because Elvis at that time has left the building.
I cannot get out of that place! Whaddup with that?


I know, not very much in sync with my previous entry on 'letting go' either. You see, my mind is a labyrinth. I go in circles. A lot.
So either give me strength to seriously buy a one way ticket out of here or give me the strength to stay in the mistake-place but feel okay about it. And maybe learn from this one just a bit more, shooting up on the learning curve. Because, apparently, I am not done learning yet. Otherwise I would not be here. I don't mind being here per se, but I'd like to just be a little bit stronger about it. And typing this, I realize that by realizing it, I have stepped up on the learning curve. I've admitted to the mistake, seeing where it went wrong and I can, if I chose to do something about it.
Isn't learning fun?

The good and the bad....

Being in a good place and a bad place at the same time. Is it possible and when does the bad place turn into a good one? I’m trying to figure that out and it’s coming together. By sitting down and thinking about this, I discovered it all comes down to letting go. I believe that letting go is the key to unlocking the good places and forever shut down the bad ones.

Letting go is not easy. Letting go takes work. Holding on is easy, because it is what we do best. We hold on to photographs, to old furniture, to yearbooks, to memories, but also to anger, grudges, sadness and pain. For some reason we find this easy. We find it easy to hold on tight to these. They comfort us because we ‘know’ them. We know the people in the photographs, the grandparents who owned the furniture, the classmates who signed the yearbooks and the lost loves or friends who pained and saddened us.

What we don’t know is what happens when you let go. When you let go of stuff in your house, boxes of memorabilia and hard drives full of digital holiday pictures (you, and be honest, never look at, but you have 1300 of each trip. At least).  We don’t know what happens if you let go of anger towards a friend, if you let go of heartache caused by, who you thought, was the love of your life.  All will be missed, dearly. Funny eh? How we are afraid to let go of these negative emotions, because we might miss them? It really does not make sense to me. And for the material stuff? The furniture, the yearbooks, the photographs…. That is just stuff, really.

Anyway, going back to the initial question. Being in a good place and a bad place at the same time. At the moment I’m in it. One foot in the good, one foot in the bad. And seriously wanting to jump over to the good. But, as mentioned above, it’s scary. I don’t know this particular good place, because I haven’t been in this particular one yet. And this particular one, especially, has everything to do with letting go….  Letting go of my controlfreaky-ness (is there a correct spelling of this word?), letting go of my insecurities, letting go of me wanting things right now on my terms.

I’ll explain the two places and will try not to make it too complicated. I feel bad (the bad place), because I feel I might have initiated something that might have needed more time to fall into place. I feel I have been a catalyst to something, which was actually none of my business to be in. But then again, I was asked for advice, I was involved and it takes two to tango. So… with me being involved, something bad and sad happened to a person I care deeply about. The good place is the fact that I can now carry on with my life and I may even be with this person some time in the future.

And this is where the letting go part comes in. Because for that future to happen, I need to let this person go. For now, without knowing until when. That future-belief takes trust. And trust is not my strong point. I mean I’ve gotten better over the past few months, but I am still impatient and not so certain everything will always fall into place. But then again, maybe not everything needs to or should fall into place. Everything for a reason, that sort of thing…..

So, whilst writing this, I’ve answered my own question. Yes, one can be in both places simultaneously, but in the end, the good prevails the bad. It always does. I want to be in the good place, I will let go of the emotion of feeling the guilt for ‘helping’ putting that person in that position, I will let go of the emotion of being impatient about the future and I will let go of not trusting the Universe. And by this letting go, I feel freer than I’ve ever felt before. Even if this means, ending up in a bad place for some time, again. But which, I know, will eventually turn into a good place …. Because it always does.